Somebody pinch me. I must be in some kind of nightmare because there is no way in this world that Anne Bishop wrote this book.

I refuse to believe it. Maybe a trained monkey did. Or maybe Anne had the flu while she wrote this but this is NOT the Anne I know and worship.

This was one of the most painful reads I've done in a while. If someone like, say, Feehan or Moning or even Hamilton would have written this crap then I wouldn't be surprised. But not Anne, not the woman that penned that almighty fantasy epic: the Black Jewels trilogy.

There is NO way on earth.

Where to begin? I am embarrassed to even try.

This book reads like a cheap rip-off of the Black Jewels. There is this world inhabited by wizards and witches, etc but, even in this world, there are some creatures that the "normal" ones figure are too beneath them. Incubus and the like are considered trash so they live in a place called the Den all by themselves. This Den was created by THE most powerful Landscaper that ever lived.

You see, just like Jaenelle was Witch, well this girl named Belladona is THE Landscaper. Landscapers are sort of like super witches and they create, shall we say, parallel worlds and "landscapes" were people can live. Then there's Belladona. She has the power to create entire worlds, reshape the current world and link everything in between. She is like Super Landscaper.

Since she has all this power everyone at THE Landscaper's Academy is deathly afraid of her so they come up with a brilliant plan to lock her away forever so she can't use her powers. Of course they fail miserably and now we have what they call a rogue Landscaper, one with the power to end or reshape the world.

Anyways, Belladona created the Den so that her childhood friend Sebastian would have a place to live. Sebastian is an incubus and, as a sex demon, is considered lowest of the lows. The Den is pretty much a red-light district where all the outcasts can live happily ever after.

Dear Sebastian is not a happy incubus. He "yearns" for the one woman that would love him for him and they'll be together forever. Through a series of unfortunate events [that Mr. Snicket is everywhere ain't he?] he meets said woman. She is pretty much a country mouse caught up in the "big, bad" city of Den. Well, Sebastian immediately takes her in and he is smitten by the little virgin.

OK, while all of this is happening, the Eater of the World has escaped. Now, with a name like that, I don't need to tell you this is bad news. One of the places where this Eater is at is, naturally, the Den. People in the Den are terrified. Apparently though not terrified enough because Sebastian still has time to try and get into his little virgin's pants.

This is where the book really starts to go downhill. I mean, seriously, it turns into some cheap B-movie erotica or some shit. I don't know. I was shocked at the crap that Mrs. Bishop was writing.

In one of my favorite scenes, Sebastian has just met the country mouse and takes her to a local restaurant because she is hungry and he figured that she's not from around there. Well, this IS the Den so the bread is shaped into little cocks and tits. No, really, it is. Of course, sweet virgin girl has no clue so she is "sensually" dipping the bread cock into the melted cheese and licking it all up. Sebastian almost jumps her. Somebody mentions that the bread is called Phallic bread and she asks what phallic means. Sebastian is getting all hot and bothered in his hot leather pants so he asks what it is she wants more than anything in the world.

This brings us to my next favorite scene. She says all she wants is to never, ever, ever be afraid of anyone again [her family didn't like her much] so Sebastian, being the ingenious incubus that he is, has the perfect plan to turn her into a fearless virgin. He decides she will act like a tigress and they will prowl [his words] the Den that very night, I guess so she can practice her growl.

Wait, it gets better. He takes her shopping to the local hoochie shop [this IS a red light district people] and he buys her a catsuit. You know, a tight one piece that fits on you like a second skin. Now our little virgin is "fearless" because she is like super hoochie and she is ready to "prowl". This turns Sebastian on to new levels of lust he had only dreamed of. Oh but, fear not, our little super hoochie is still a country virgin on the inside cuz, you kow, he wouldn't have it any other way.

Some time later they are visiting Sebastian's aunt and super hoochie virgin is having THE talk with said aunt. She is all embarrassed to be talking about this but she is distressed that Sebastian apparently doesn't want her even if he "wants her". Well, his aunt is just as confused as we are and she asks whatever the hell that means. Super virgin explains that even her super virgin self knows when a man wants a woman since his "thing" will stick out like that, and she points up. She says that's how Sebastian's thing gets when he is around her.

I swear I am not making this up people. I wish I were. This is just, gawd, there are no words for the level of excruciating pain that I experienced while trying to get through this.

I refuse to believe that Bishop wrote this. The language was bland and I say again, it read like cheap erotica. Not even porn since I don't recall a sex scene.

Oh and Sebastian was dull and a little too whimpy for my taste. Dude had too many issues and none of them made him a mean bastard, I think he needed to grow a backbone. A grown ass incubus afraid of his daddy and still hung up on how mean the kids in the playground used to be.

Meh. I couldn't even begin to care.

The one good thing was the villain. That was one mean bastard and I was rooting for It to eat everyone up. Super evil and made creepier by the fact that it refers to It in the third person all the time. It is evil and creepy. It should have stomped them all.

Horrible.

This is barely a 2.5 out of 5.

16 comments:

That sucks big huge elephant balls! The premise for this book seemed interesting, well Belladonna and her powers anyway. Blech blech blech.

So are you going to read Belladonna's book?

WEll...that is disappointing!

Your reviews are definitely unique sweetie and that sucks that your book sucked big elephant balls like Ames said, LOL...Ugh.

Wow, I am surprised it sucked so much!

Now, how about sharing the mostly fantasy books that you mention your blog, but do not list. Shocking enough, I am sure the "contemp" is very interesting, but I don't even know what it is, so.. fantasy books!

Contemp=contemporary romance!

Ames, two words, NO WAY. If it's a s bad as this one, meh, I couldn't care less if the Eater of the World eats them all up! LOL.

Marg I know! I am such a Bishop fangirl with her Black Jewels trilogy. I still can't believe this is the same person and not a trained monkey that wrote this for her!

LOL D, I am glad you like. Oddly enough I do seem to be at my best when the books suck. It's very hard for me to write a review on a book I love. Go figure!

LOL K, contemp are contemporary romances. The other books I bought were:

1.The Phoenix Guards
2.Darkblade: The Daemon's Curse
3.The Book of Jhereg (Vlad Taltos)
4.The Grand Ellipse
5.The Wizard Hunters: Book One of the Fall of Ile-Rien

Squeeee!!!!! LOL.

P.S. Finished reading Mister Monday, will review now.

Oh, I know what a contemp is, what I didn't know was what the book itself was all about and... yeah, nevermind. lol Glad to hear you read Mister Monday, I look forward to reading the review! I need to finish a fantasy book... Oh, and do my post for the anime blog...

I must look those books you listed up on amazon, I have probably heard of them, but not off the top of my head.

LOL! OK, I see. Well I'm not sure myself but it seems to be a comedy about a girl that was just dumped and the ex makes a bet with some guy that he can't get in her pants or something. I don't know, it sounded funny at the time. I was sick! lol.

...OMG.

Did you pick up her other trilogy, Mailyn? Not Black Jewels, but the other one?

man... and I was looking forward to it... ah well, I guess I'm going to skip it T_T

Ames - big elephant balls?!? LOL!

I am going to disagree and say that I did not think that it sucked that bad. I enjoyed it. But I will say two things to qualify that, I am easy to please and I have not read the Black Jewels trilogy yet, it is on my TBB list. But because I have not read it yet, I am not comparing the two, so I liked it.

kris even without the BJ I would have hated this. It was just annoying. Yeps that's the word for it, but I'm glad someone enjoyed it! :-)

Fortunately, I have not read the book, and you saved me from purchasing a melon. Thank you! As much as I loved the Black Jewels Trilogy, I figured this would have been pretty good. Oh well...

But I did want to say, "Bravo!" for Mailyn's review. If the book isn't entertaining, then at least the review was!! :)


***If you like fantasy, please visit my website at www.bradleydavis.net***

THANK YOU. I read this book and agree wholeheartedly with your review. But.. I do see some of the same sort of cheesy elements in the Black Jewels Trilogy, its just not as in your face. I think someone who is more into romance novels may like this book more than someone who is more of a fantasy reader.

P.S. Just found this site and love it.

synthetic.reality@hotmail.com said... April 25, 2008 at 9:30 AM  

I see your point on a lot of things. I'd have to agree with the romanic between the two, it had me rolling my eyes half of the time...

But the world created in the book was nothing to roll your eyes at. It had the creativity and careful planning that most have come to know and expect from Anne Bishop. The concept of bridges and such was amazing and the way that the world is described is equally interesting.

I highly suggest reading Sebastion (Just so you get a feel for the world) and then Belladonna. The second book by far makes up for what the first book lacked in story line and interest.

I have to disagree with the OP about Sebastian. While it does have some similar themes to the Dark Jewels Trilogy, it is a different story. If you read Sebastian comparing it to the DJT you will hate it. You have to read this book and submerse yourself in it's world to get it.

I enjoyed Sebastian's character and his struggle to find out who he really is. I also enjoyed watching the Glorianna/Belladonna character. She is interesting and in the second book you find out more of her background and why she she has the power she has.

I would give this book at 4/5

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Since I was a little girl I have been fascinated with books. Early photos show me with a book in hand, even if it was not exactly my reading level... My first word was a made-up word meaning 'book', actually. I suppose I had my priorities at an early age... Over the years my interest in books has become one of the defining features of who I am as a person. You can probably call me a bookworm. While I have other interests, reading will always be the one I talk about the most, even if I am not focusing on it as much as I used to.

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