Twisted Kingdom

Somebody pinch me. I must be in some kind of nightmare because there is no way in this world that Anne Bishop wrote this book.

I refuse to believe it. Maybe a trained monkey did. Or maybe Anne had the flu while she wrote this but this is NOT the Anne I know and worship.

This was one of the most painful reads I've done in a while. If someone like, say, Feehan or Moning or even Hamilton would have written this crap then I wouldn't be surprised. But not Anne, not the woman that penned that almighty fantasy epic: the Black Jewels trilogy.

There is NO way on earth.

Where to begin? I am embarrassed to even try.

This book reads like a cheap rip-off of the Black Jewels. There is this world inhabited by wizards and witches, etc but, even in this world, there are some creatures that the "normal" ones figure are too beneath them. Incubus and the like are considered trash so they live in a place called the Den all by themselves. This Den was created by THE most powerful Landscaper that ever lived.

You see, just like Jaenelle was Witch, well this girl named Belladona is THE Landscaper. Landscapers are sort of like super witches and they create, shall we say, parallel worlds and "landscapes" were people can live. Then there's Belladona. She has the power to create entire worlds, reshape the current world and link everything in between. She is like Super Landscaper.

Since she has all this power everyone at THE Landscaper's Academy is deathly afraid of her so they come up with a brilliant plan to lock her away forever so she can't use her powers. Of course they fail miserably and now we have what they call a rogue Landscaper, one with the power to end or reshape the world.

Anyways, Belladona created the Den so that her childhood friend Sebastian would have a place to live. Sebastian is an incubus and, as a sex demon, is considered lowest of the lows. The Den is pretty much a red-light district where all the outcasts can live happily ever after.

Dear Sebastian is not a happy incubus. He "yearns" for the one woman that would love him for him and they'll be together forever. Through a series of unfortunate events [that Mr. Snicket is everywhere ain't he?] he meets said woman. She is pretty much a country mouse caught up in the "big, bad" city of Den. Well, Sebastian immediately takes her in and he is smitten by the little virgin.

OK, while all of this is happening, the Eater of the World has escaped. Now, with a name like that, I don't need to tell you this is bad news. One of the places where this Eater is at is, naturally, the Den. People in the Den are terrified. Apparently though not terrified enough because Sebastian still has time to try and get into his little virgin's pants.

This is where the book really starts to go downhill. I mean, seriously, it turns into some cheap B-movie erotica or some shit. I don't know. I was shocked at the crap that Mrs. Bishop was writing.

In one of my favorite scenes, Sebastian has just met the country mouse and takes her to a local restaurant because she is hungry and he figured that she's not from around there. Well, this IS the Den so the bread is shaped into little cocks and tits. No, really, it is. Of course, sweet virgin girl has no clue so she is "sensually" dipping the bread cock into the melted cheese and licking it all up. Sebastian almost jumps her. Somebody mentions that the bread is called Phallic bread and she asks what phallic means. Sebastian is getting all hot and bothered in his hot leather pants so he asks what it is she wants more than anything in the world.

This brings us to my next favorite scene. She says all she wants is to never, ever, ever be afraid of anyone again [her family didn't like her much] so Sebastian, being the ingenious incubus that he is, has the perfect plan to turn her into a fearless virgin. He decides she will act like a tigress and they will prowl [his words] the Den that very night, I guess so she can practice her growl.

Wait, it gets better. He takes her shopping to the local hoochie shop [this IS a red light district people] and he buys her a catsuit. You know, a tight one piece that fits on you like a second skin. Now our little virgin is "fearless" because she is like super hoochie and she is ready to "prowl". This turns Sebastian on to new levels of lust he had only dreamed of. Oh but, fear not, our little super hoochie is still a country virgin on the inside cuz, you kow, he wouldn't have it any other way.

Some time later they are visiting Sebastian's aunt and super hoochie virgin is having THE talk with said aunt. She is all embarrassed to be talking about this but she is distressed that Sebastian apparently doesn't want her even if he "wants her". Well, his aunt is just as confused as we are and she asks whatever the hell that means. Super virgin explains that even her super virgin self knows when a man wants a woman since his "thing" will stick out like that, and she points up. She says that's how Sebastian's thing gets when he is around her.

I swear I am not making this up people. I wish I were. This is just, gawd, there are no words for the level of excruciating pain that I experienced while trying to get through this.

I refuse to believe that Bishop wrote this. The language was bland and I say again, it read like cheap erotica. Not even porn since I don't recall a sex scene.

Oh and Sebastian was dull and a little too whimpy for my taste. Dude had too many issues and none of them made him a mean bastard, I think he needed to grow a backbone. A grown ass incubus afraid of his daddy and still hung up on how mean the kids in the playground used to be.

Meh. I couldn't even begin to care.

The one good thing was the villain. That was one mean bastard and I was rooting for It to eat everyone up. Super evil and made creepier by the fact that it refers to It in the third person all the time. It is evil and creepy. It should have stomped them all.

Horrible.

This is barely a 2.5 out of 5.